The Lost Love

I saw his glimpse for the first time in our most famous tuition centre in town. I saw him again in the same chemistry class we used to attend. He was very quiet and a topper. He was not heroically good looking but well, I have a thing for smart geniuses so he definitely caught my attention.

I loved his name a lot. It was a name that I had always wanted my boyfriend to have. We met again for Add Maths tuition classes. This time, he started speaking to me. He was the smartest guy in the entire town. Whenever he asked me questions, I would feel so proud of myself. Then again, I sensed he was purposely asking questions just to make conversations with me.

I cannot remember how I got his number but we started texting. I would text him and get a reply only few days later. Whenever I pass by his house, I look far inside although I know I won’t be able to see him or have the courage to step down and call him out.

School ended and both of us pursued our dreams in different colleges. One day he called me out.

We met in the one and only happening mall in town. I could see that he was making effort. A very gentleman like effort. I never felt anything towards him. I didn’t even  call it a date. I definitely was attracted to him but perhaps not thoroughly.

Obviously, he was doing very well in university. A topper again, and as always so humble. Even though we were just getting close, he trusted me like he had always known me. He cleared out some issues he was doubtful about and he took my words blindly. Of course, I was telling the truth.

He dropped me home and that’s about the day. No hugs, no kisses nothing. Not that I was expecting, but I was glad he did not as well.

Then, he asked me out again. This time to a beach.

I couldn’t. I had a picture of a guy I wanted to be with and despite how much I liked his character, the bitter truth was that I could not wake up to him every morning. I know I was so stupid to think so far ahead, but I did not want to give him fake promises. I did not want to date him only to dump him.

One day, he confessed how much he loved me in a text. He was far away, from his family and me. It was late night and I told him I’ll talk about this the next morning. He wanted to know then and there. I said I’m sorry but I didn’t want to get into a relationship just yet.

I could feel his disappointment, I don’t know how, I don’t know why. I wasn’t happy with my decision either. I could barely sleep that night. Maybe I needed time to be with him.

The next day, I saw a gazillion of people posting words of condolence on his Facebook page. My heart beat fast. I was gob smacked. I prayed so hard he’s alright. I called everyone I knew who were mutual friends to him and after listening to the nth person, I inhaled the news deeply that he met with an accident and did not survive.

He was no one to me, and it’s been 5 years since, but till this very second I regret. I wished I had said yes.

I met many men after him but he set a benchmark way too high for anyone. He taught me and made me realize that love sees no looks, no money, no physical attachment. Love sees the chemistry we have anda the purest of love one can give and receive.

Till date, I feel in debt to you, I feel you each time I go to the beach, I miss you.